Merchandising

I want to make t-shirts that say:

i over 3 is less than u
or
u is greater than the square root of negative one over three


These can either be written out in words or in mathematical equations. They will sell millions.

The Muppets (The Movie)

I know you're all wondering, and yes, I have seen The Muppets. I have an issue with what to call this movie. I always want to refer to it as "the Muppet movie" because it's a movie about Muppets. But it's not The Muppet Movie because that's a different thing entirely. But it sounds weird to talk about watching The Muppets. So instead I mostly refer to it as "the new Muppet movie," which works, I guess. Because it's new and a movie and about Muppets. Flawless logic, I know.

So anyway, The Muppets was a feel-good romp for the entire family. I don't really know what that means. It just seems like the thing to say. I was expecting the worst of this movie because Muppets are a hard thing to do well. Also, I dislike Jason Segel and Amy Adams. There's no reason for this. They just annoy me. So basically, I thought this was going to make my eyes bleed. I'm happy to report I was pleasantly surprised. Also, no blood.

Jason Segel was quite good in this movie. His voice is very pleasant, and he looked like a human Muppet, which was perfect. He still irritates me, but I have to say I have a ton of respect for him. He pretty much made this movie happen. Thank you, sir. Amy Adams was annoying. She didn't do anything particularly annoying. She just annoys me. Otherwise, the humans were awesome. Chris Cooper was hilarious. Rashida Jones is always awesome. And super gorgeous (although I'm still glad Jim ended up with Pam). The cameos were pretty funny for the most part as well. So that's a plus.

Overall, I really enjoyed the movie. It was really cute, and it actually kept a lot of the Muppets humor, so it was funny too. I was incredibly surprised by that outcome.

The new Muppet, Walter, was stupid. The whole thing where he had to find his talent (spoiler--it's whistling) was lame. Whistling is a super lame talent. Come on, Mr. Segel. Come up with a better talent than that. Seriously. Otherwise, Walter was pretty much just an excuse for the plot to happen, not an actual character. P.S. Apparently it's Andrew Bird whistling at the end. No shit. Not a flute. A real guy.

The best part of the movie, besides Kermit scrunching up his face like he does in The Muppet Movie when he says, "Alligators," was the music. I'm a big fan of Flight of the Concords, and Bret McKenzie did the songs for The Muppets, so I assumed the music would be awesome. Yep. The songs were funny and catchy and totally carried the movie. Again, I have to mention Jason Segel's voice. I was really impressed. He sounded like he actually could sing, not just like an actor singing. However, you should be prepared to be singing Muppets songs for a considerable amount of time after seeing the movie.

So there's my review, sort of. The Muppets' voices were a little weird, but I mostly got over it (except for Miss Piggy--not even close). Also, at the end when they sang "The Rainbow Connection," apparently Miss Piggy played the part of that annoying Hollywood agent from The Muppet Movie. Which is fine and all, but with everyone singing along, I'm unclear on why Hayley Williams didn't have a cameo. Missed opportunity on that one, movie.

There you have it. All in all, a feel-good romp for the entire family. Or whatever cliche you choose.

Peter Pan

I've been a caretaker since I was about 4 years old. Sometimes I feel bad that I didn't raise myself and my family better. I was a pretty bad parent.

Sorry for my brief absence. I got married. Also, I didn't really feel like blogging. Also, I'm fairly certain only about three people read this anyway, so you probably didn't even know I was gone. 

So anyway, I'm back, and I thought I'd post a picture of the cake topper from our wedding. My husband is Peewee Herman, I'm Anya from Buffy, and that's Beyonce, the giant metal chicken. 

I know you all were wondering what nail polish I eventually decided on because this is a super important detail. I didn't take pictures at the time, and then I forgot, so I can't really show you. This is the best I can do:

See how it matches my dress? Yeah, it's that color. It's OPI Pepe's Purple Passion with a top coat of Cult Nails Unicorn Puke. Because you can't have a wedding without unicorn puke.

How I Know It's Time To Take a Break

I'm working on an editing project for a Christian-based novella, and I recently found myself muttering, "Jesus fucking Christ." I'm fairly certain that's my cue to take a break from this project.

What Do Pigs Eat?

I used to do a lot of work with little kids. Oh my god are they funny. I worked with this absolutely brilliant 4-year-old named Laila who loved books, so every time I worked with her we read a new book. One day we read If You Give a Pig a Pancake (which is a sequel or something to If You Give a Mouse a Cookie). I asked Laila what she thought would happen if you gave a pig a pancake. Her response: "It'll die."

Backyard Wildlife

We get a lot of wildlife in our backyard because we back up to a farm field, and we're on a dead end street. It's a neighborhood, but we're the end of it, so there's not a lot of human interaction. So I'm totally used to opossums, squirrels, hawks, eagles, rabbits, rats, chipmunks, etc. The normal stuff. I was not expecting her:

Then she went over and ate at my neighbor's crab apple tree for about 20 minutes. Pretty awesome. I'm going to see if my fiance will let me have one as a pet.

Stupid Blue Jay

There is a blue jay who likes to sit on our deck and practice mimicking other birds. I'm serious. He does a Canadian goose, a seagull, a house finch, a cardinal, and probably some others that I'm forgetting right now. I'll be sitting at the table, minding my own business, and then all of a sudden, "The hell? Is there a seagull on our deck?" Nope. Just the blue jay.

I've been waiting for months for the red-bellied woodpecker to start coming to our feeders again. These are the coolest birds ever. I did another post on them one time, so I won't go into it too much. Basically, they're really big woodpeckers with Hayley Williams-colored heads. And they bark like little flying cocker spaniels. Super awesome.

Just a second ago, I heard a red-bellied woodpecker. Of course, I got all excited and happy for the return of Parry. This is the bird-related moment I've been waiting for since the spring! But when I looked out, I didn't see Parry on the deck.

Of course you know where this is going. That goddamn blue jay can mimic a red-bellied woodpecker. I love the blue jays, and it's really cool that this guy is so talented, but seriously, blue jay. Stop playing with my emotions like that.

Of Course it's Faux Fur!

So you have that faux fur-trimmed hood on your down jacket because it's cruelty to animals to wear fur?

In Case of Zombie Apocalypse...

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, which vehicle would you rather have: a big Hummer-type SUV thing, or a motorcycle?

Reasons My Parrot Screams

NPR is playing opera music.
NPR is playing Prairie Home Companion.
There's bad reception on his radio.
He has one soda box in his cage when he really wants the one that's on the floor next to his cage.
He has a soda box that was opened incorrectly so the opening is in the wrong place.
He's unable to get in his soda box because he flipped it so the opening is facing down.
He wants a pistachio.
He's just checking to see if I remember he's there.
He's practicing being a drill.
He's practicing being a hammer.
He's bored.
He's asleep and probably having a dream that he's screaming.
He thinks it's funny.

I'm sure I could just keep going with this for hours.

Decisions of the Day

1. Do I get the wedding ring I like the most that's more expensive than my conscience appreciates, or do I go with my second choice that I don't like quite as much that's easier on the wallet?

2. Larry Fitzgerald versus Baltimore or Robert Meachem versus St. Louis?

EDIT: The correct answer, of course, was Larry Fitzgerald versus Baltimore. However, it was not Dez Bryant, Jason Witten, Joe Flacco, or Denver's defense (the Jets were on a bye and Denver was a last-minute substitution--I'm not that dumb). So as usual, the final answer is to count on Adrian Peterson to bail his shitty fantasy teammates out. Mission accomplished.

Oh, and I still don't know about the ring.

Not the Brightest Cat

Actual statement that just left my mouth: "Don't eat the fire extinguisher!"

Canned Pumpkin

I'm making pumpkin bread because it's delicious. Squash in general is disgusting, and pumpkin kind of makes my skin crawl, but when you put it in bread, it turns into delicious wonderfulness. Anyway, we have two cans of pumpkin puree, so when deciding which one to use, here were my thoughts:

1. I should check the expiration dates and use the older one first.
2. I should use the Shurfine one and leave Joe the brand-name one.

There is so much wrong with both of those thoughts.

It does, however, leave me with a super-awesome romantic statement: "I love you so much I'd use the generic can of pumpkin puree and let you have the brand-name one."

Any day now I'll be writing for a soap opera.

5:00 AM Nail Polish Notes

I'm going wedding ring shopping today, and I learned from last week's experience that I need to wear glitter polish because it looks amazing under the jewelry store lights. Last week's adventure was Color Club's Beyond the Mistletoe. Today I decided to give the Muppets glitters another try. 

Good news, everyone! Turns out I have a messed up bottle of Rainbow Connection! You're not excited, I know, but this polish was a major disappointment. If you want the whole story, you can read about it here. I think I talked about the Rainbow Connection on this blog before, so I won't go into it again. At any rate, the polish royally sucked...or did it? 

You're not supposed to shake nail polish (even though everyone does), so I usually roll the bottle between my hands before using it. Well, today I really looked at the bottle. It was almost completely separated. The top was this thin crap with very little glitter that was mostly silver. But when I looked at the entire bottle, I realized that actually, I was an idiot. The bottom of the bottle was packed with chunky, multi-colored glitter. The bottle is now upside-down after being shaken a whole bunch in the hopes of maybe mixing the polish a little, but I put some on already this morning, and I can see a difference even in the non-daylight. So okay, this polish may be amazing after all. 

I'd post pictures, but my fiance turned on the flash on my camera, and I don't know how to turn it off. There are, like, 8 billion icons, and none of them make sense. I turned the flash-looking one off, but it didn't help. So whatever. You probably don't care anyway. 

But seriously, the possibility that Rainbow Connection the nail polish could be awesomer than Hayley Williams' version of Rainbow Connection the song is a very pleasant way to start my weekend.

Musings on Decisions

Warning: Slightly sappy/insane/possibly optimistic post. I'd skip it if I were you. Go answer my zombie apocalypse question instead.

Sometimes the wackos at my job get to me, and I have to try their crazy shit. Today's adventure is about intuition. Basically the exercise goes like this: you really focus on a bad decision you've made in your life. It has to be something you thought was a good decision but turned out to be a bad decision. You try to think of the exact moment you made that decision, and you really focus on that. Then there is a series of questions this guy asks you about whatever images come to your mind. For example, he asks about the appearance of the scenes, the colors, whether you're part of the scenes or not, what it sounds like, if there's any taste, and what physical sensations you have. I think they're supposed to be what you're feeling right now, not necessarily what you felt when you made the decision.

Then you do the same thing with a time you made a really good decision that turned out to be a really good decision. You answer all the same questions. Ideally, someone else is doing this with you and writing down your answers, but you can write them yourself as you go. The important thing is not to analyze as you go. What you're seeing or feeling is just that. You're not looking for meaning.

The Freezinator

While watching postseason baseball, every time David Freese gets up:

Joe (in Mr. Freeze from "Batman and Robin" voice): Ice to meet you!

Conversations at Home

A real conversation I just had with my fiance:

Joe: Yay! I'm a good boy.
Me: You can't even be evil in videogames.
Joe: I learned from Spiderman that with great power comes great responsibility.
Me: I learned from Spiderman that if you're too evil, you turn into Eric Forman.
Joe: Why aren't all our conversations chronicled on Facebook?

Well, sweetheart, now they will be. I'm making a Faceook page.

Music Time!

Stumbled across this chick the other day, and now I kinda love her. Enjoy!

 

Roundup

I'm so damn tired I can hardly think lately. So here's my random roundup of my life:

I know beggars can't be choosers, but seriously, is it so much to ask for my prescription to be remotely on time? Three to seven days has turned into 14, and I ran out about seven days ago when it was supposed to be here. So I called today to figure out what was going on and was told they'd resend it next-day air because it must have gotten lost in the mail. So now I have a new question: that's a $1,400 prescription. Who's eating that money? Because it sure as hell isn't going to be me.

I urge you to love Wil Wheaton. The slogan of his blog at http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/ is "Will Wheaton says, 'Don't be a dick!'" How can you not love that?

I also urge you to love Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess (http://thebloggess.com/). She is pretty kickass. Also, there's a whole story about Wil Wheaton collating papers, which is what made me think I probably should love Wil Wheaton.

Despite not getting my clearly needed prescription, I did get my Unicorn Puke today, which you can read all about at www.RosieSparkle.com. Oh, nail polish. How I love you.

I keep having these weird dreams. Like two nights ago I dreamed that my friend Eriny played the saxophone. I'm pretty sure Eriny has never played the saxophone. And then last night I dreamed I met the dad of a girl I coached in softball about 10 years ago, and he told me my head was nicely shaped. The fuck?! I mean, I'm sure my head is a decent shape as far as heads go, but why the hell would I dream that? So messed up.

I blame this all on my lack of prescription. Never go without your drugs, dearies.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

If you have not seen Birdemic: Shock and Terror, you must see it. And you must purchase the Rifftrax for it. Trust me. If you have not done this, do it. Then read this about the movie's star:

Alan Bagh(born May 30, 1985) is an American actor and model. He is best known for playing "Rod" in the horror film Birdemic.

[edit]Career

Alan has performed in theater, film, television, commercial, internet, and industrial productions, in subcategories such as seals, acting, casting, props, hair and make-up, transportation, electrical, lighting, and production.

You're welcome.

Yum! Sushi!

My lovely fiance and I enjoyed our sushi last night.

I had the pinkish blob sushi.

Correction: I had part of the pinkish blob sushi (I think it's supposed to be a tongue).

Seriously, it was about the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten. I mean, maybe there have been more disgusting things I've eaten, but I just can't think of them. Blech. The bottom part is like a marshmallow, only gross, and the top part is some sort of tasteless gummy ick. I love sugar as much as the next person, but even the sugar content couldn't save this stuff. 

Check this one out:

I won't be eating this, but I kind of want to paint its nail. In related news, I'm wearing Pepe's Purple Passion with a coat of Rainbow Connection over it (both from the Muppets collection by OPI), in case you were checking out my gorgeous thumbnail there. You can take a look at my current lineup or see the whole Muppets collection at my other blog.

But you can only see disgusting fake body part candy sushi right here in my prolific guide to life.

Why Does This Exist?

My thoughtful fiance brought me home a special treat yesterday:

The hell?

I came across this ad today:

The hell? Business cards and registry cards I get. But mommy cards? Like moms have no other identity than "Dominic's mom"? And dating cards? Really? Do you seriously think any girl is going to give you the time of day if you hand her a card that says "Chad Fulton, Stand up guy"? If you do, you're stupid. If you want a business card to impress chicks, get business cards. Even if they say "Fry guy," it's still better than a fucking dating card. You might as well say, "Hey, baby. Here's my card. I can't afford to buy you a drink because I  don't have a job and I live in my mom's basement and play World of Warcraft all day. So do you want to go back to your place? No? That's okay. I've got 249 more chicks to hit on tonight."

Perhaps this guy can get his mom matching mommy cards that say "Chad the Loser's mom."

My Baby Sister

My baby sister was born at 11:44 pm on September 29, 1993. I had been awake for two days straight and had eaten nothing but cheese-peanut butter crackers, but I'll never forget how excited I was when the doctor handed her to me. She was the cutest little cone-headed baby I'd ever seen. I already adored her like she was my own daughter, which is saying something for a 9-year-old. 

Growing up, we joked that I was the scab mom. I'm pretty sure my sister grew up thinking she had two moms, a big one and a little one. She looked so much like me that when I was in high school and we'd go places together, I'd hear hushed comments about how sad it was to see such a young mother. We thought that was absolutely hilarious.

Over the years I've worked with a lot of little kids, but I haven't even found anyone who comes close to being as cool as my baby sister was. When she was around, I always had someone to talk to, and most of the time she'd say things that were either as intelligent as people my own age or totally hilarious in the level of little kid logic. Of course a cat would be called a diddle. Why else would the nursery rhyme "Hey Diddle Diddle" make any sense? And Woody and Buzz Lightyear didn't get along, so when Woody called Buzz a genius, of course that was an insult. That's just logical.

My sister knew the entire 1996 Atlanta Braves roster, and she'd sit and watch the games with me and beg me to quiz her on the players. Her favorites were Michael Tucker and Tony Graffanino. She had invisible friends named Helga and Tilda and Rachel, who sometimes went by Sally. She was far too smart to really believe they existed, but it was way more fun to pretend. She also had an extensive stuffed animal collection that included Samantha Sheep, Circle the bear, and Flucky...does it really matter what Flucky was? Its name was Flucky.

I still know all the words to The Lion King and Toy Story, and I still love the TV show Rugrats. I remember seeing the Rugrats movie in the theater when my sister was really little, and during the scene where Tommy is holding his baby brother Dill and singing him a lullaby, she climbed over onto my lap and snuggled in, which was enough to make even a tough kid like me tear up.

I stayed in Madison for college so I could be closer to my sister, but of course, it wasn't the same when I moved away. We still hung out, and I still loved her way more than a normal sibling relationship, but I didn't get to see her nearly as much as I would have liked. I guess that's what happens when people grow up.

When she was little I was always the kickass older sister who could do no wrong. I still have the picture she drew of me when she was about 5 and the teacher asked them to draw their hero. She's always been my baby sister and is the closest I'll ever get to having a daughter, and now I'm really looking forward to her being my best friend as well.

Happy 18th birthday, Boozle.

Who Would Have Bought That?

The other day I made this purchase on Amazon:

They're tiny little ziploc bags that I use in relation to my nail polish problem. They were, like, $4 or something, so no big deal. What was pretty funny, though, was the suggestions Amazon gave me for things people who buy these little bags also buy:

A portable digital gram scale. Really? What would you need a portable gram scale for? Are you going to measure out your food portions and save them in these little bags? Perhaps you are monitoring your pet bird's weight and are keeping, I don't know, poop samples in the bags or something? I can think of no other legal reason why you would buy very small ziplocs and a portable scale together.

There were a couple other scales, and then this one came up:

Rolling papers. Huh. So you take your cigarettes apart, store the nicotine in these little baggies until you're ready, and then roll it yourself in these nifty little cigarette papers. Gee, that seems like a lot of work when you can just use the ready-rolled cigarettes. Perhaps you're being extra cautious to monitor your nicotine intake (in grams). This is commendable.

Oh yeah. I've got it all figured out.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That is all.

Just Kidding About Just Kidding

Or maybe Chomper isn't coming home. Yay for playing with my emotions! This entire week has been a constant pattern of people offering me things I really, really want and then rescinding the offer. Let's hope this next week isn't such a jerk.

Just Kidding, I Guess

As I was finishing up my post about my Chompy, I got a call from my mom. Long story short, some health issues have come up. Chomper comes home on Saturday. I'm not sure if I should be bracing myself for heartache all over again or ecstatic to get my baby back.

I'm leaning toward ecstatic

Heartbroken

Some of you know I have absolutely the coolest bird ever in the history of birds. His name is Chomper.

Adorable, right? He's a Jardine's parrot, which is an African parrot in the poicephalus family. He's like a revved up version of a Senegal or Meyer's parrot. Jardine's can be a little beaky, but they're also usually smart, along the lines of an African Grey. Chomper is very smart and super funny. He loves entertaining. Here he is playing dead:

Chomper is really good with people, especially people who are scared of birds or don't like birds. He's very perceptive that way, and he adapts his behaviors to fit the people around him. We used to take him to meet-and-greets with preschoolers, and he never bit anyone, even when they pulled his tail or snuck up on him. He'd occasionally give you these looks like, "Really?" but he'd never bite. 

He also talks. He actually has quite an extensive vocabulary, and he can interchange words, which is something only really intelligent birds can do. For example, we taught him to say, "Good bird," and he immediately started saying, "Good boy," "Good Chomper," and "Good baby." He clearly understands language, and you can ask questions and get honest responses from him. Of course, he prefers saying, "No!" to anything you ask, but that's because he has the emotional maturity of a 2-year-old. It's understandable. 

Chomper used to be called Baby, which I still call him half the time anyway. But when he moved in with me, I changed his name to Chomper, after the dinosaur from The Land Before Time, because he always kind of looked like a little dinosaur to me. 

He understood that his name was Baby, and he understands that his name is Chomper, but for a while he referred to himself as "Beeber," which is a combination of "Baby" and "Chomper." Crazy, right? He's way too smart for his own good.

I absolutely adore this bird. I spoiled him rotten and did everything I possibly could to make his life perfect. Chomper is my baby, and I honestly would do anything I could to make him happy. I don't think I could possibly love him anymore if he were my actual child. 

So of course, it broke my heart that I couldn't make him happy. No matter what I did, no matter what toys I gave him, how much time I spent playing with him, what food I gave him, or anything else, Chomper wasn't happy. He got to the point where he didn't even want to spend time with me. He'd just ask to go back to his cage. Then he'd scream in his cage because he didn't really want that either. No matter what I did, I just couldn't give him what he wanted, whatever that was.

Chomper adores my mom. She's always been his favorite person. So finally, one day I called her, in tears, to ask if she would consider letting Chompy stay with her for a little bit. He was just so unhappy, and it was making both of us miserable. It just wasn't fair to him. So I gathered up his favorite toys and treats, and I took my baby over to my mom's house. And I left him there. 

With Chompy gone, my house is quiet and empty. Sure, it's nice not to have to listen to him scream, but the real issue with the screaming wasn't the noise. It was the fact that he only screamed like that when he wanted something. And the bottom line was he didn't want me. 

When you really love someone, you want what's best for them, no matter what that is, no matter how much it hurts. And obviously living with me was not what was best. When I've seen him since he left, he's been just radiant. He talks and entertains, and my mom says he's happy most of the time now. He eats better and sleeps better, and everyone just loves him. He's my Chomper again. 

He's just not my baby anymore. 

I guess it's fitting

As I began painting my nails today, I happened to read this headline:

Today is World Alzheimer's Day - Wear Purple Nail Polish!

Oops. I'm wearing silver. I guess I forgot about Alzheimer's Day.

Music

Do you ever find yourself thinking, "Man, I could really go for some cheesy pop music sung by a guy with tooly hair wearing a tooly vest and a tooly hat who sings at least half in falsetto with extra reverb and is impossible to understand because he doesn't enunciate"?

Yeah, me either.

So why the hell do I love OneRepublic so much?

Aghast

Well, folks, I can end my search for the worst nail polish name ever. Yes, I found awesome names like Starter Wife, Bruised, Phallic, Lemonade-Stand By Your Man, and many more lovely examples of why our world is fucked up. But there's no way to top this one.

Given, this is a lip gloss, not a nail polish. And it's from a company that brought us such gems as Phallic and Load, so I'm not sure what I was expecting. However, that doesn't detract from the WTF-ness. Behold Illamasqua Violate:

Yes, this is a lip gloss called Violate. I shit you not. Someone thought it would be funny or cute or some other appallingly misguided emotion to name a lip gloss Violate, and apparently nobody in the company had a problem with that.

Here's the product description for Violate:

"Super glossy, with a sensual, sheer color designed to enhance your lips. Use Illamasqua Sheer Lipgloss on its own or with Illamasqua Lipstick for added pout. Add a little more sexiness to your smile."

Because nothing says sexy quite like being violated.

Slightly Forgiven

A while back I bitched about the nail polish called Bruised and how much I dislike this name. What a horrible name. Seriously. Not cool.

However, the company that makes this nail polish, Rescue Beauty Lounge, just released their newest collection, called Firebird. Based on the Igor Stravinsky's Firebird suite. Yes, they based a line of nail polish on an Igor Stravinsky piece. Also, they have other nail polishes named Iconoclast, Insouciant, and Decorous.

I guess maybe the awesome names outweigh the stupid name. Or at least enough that I totally want to buy some of their nail polish now. Damn it.

Still not my favorite nail polish name, though. That honor goes to Cult Nails' Unicorn Puke. Because Stravinsky is cool and all, but seriously, it's called Unicorn Puke. Yeah.

Made With Bits of Real Panther?

This is my newest nail polish. Pretty, right?

I have never smelled anything so horrible in my entire life. It smells like someone gave a skunk a breath mint. I'm seriously nauseous right now from the god-awful smell. WTF, China Glaze?

My Nails Are Awesome

Perhaps I'm the only one who cares about nail polish stuff. But seriously, this turned out pretty awesome. My nails are horribly peely and weak, so I have the problem that whenever I paint them, the polish looks awful on the tips, and it chips within a day or so. So I got this brilliant idea that I was going to cover up the tips with some other color. It's pretty much my first attempt at doing something interesting with my nails. It's kind of like the whole gradient idea thing, except that my nails were copper and I wanted to add silver, which doesn't really lend itself to a gradient very well. But who cares. It looks awesome. Check it out:

The ones above are my right hand, which is (in case you're interested in brands) Zoya Penny on my middle and pinky fingers and Julep Zoe on the other two (yes, they're two different coppers that look identical). The silver is Zoya Ginessa.

These ones are Julep Zoe on the middle and pinky fingers and Zoya Penny on the other two with Zoya Laney on the tips.

Seriously, try to tell me that's not awesome. Because you're wrong. Plus, I don't care. I think it's awesome.

Well, It's Official

I just used the words "acupuncturist" and "energy healer" in a sentence, and it wasn't a joke. I'm fairly certain this means I have lost my mind.

Kickass.

So that's why I never wear that eyeliner

I found this really pretty eyeliner today and couldn't figure out why I never wear it. Now I remember.

Because it doesn't stay in place long enough to finish both eyes, and I look like I have two very pretty-colored black eyes. And the camera is being very generous with me here. In real life I looked like a sad clown.

Best Picture Ever

Here are my three cats:

This pretty much sums them up. Monster is the fat orange one who's oblivious to everything else. Max is the Siamese who's jumping around and probably causing trouble. Rosie Sparkle is the bitchy one who looks very evil in this picture. 

Strange Footwear

These are my new shoes:

They made me laugh, so I had to get them. This is the basic premise of all my purchasing decisions.

A Nail Polish Milestone

As previously indicated, I'm coming up on a nail polish milestone. I have 99 bottles of nail polish, which logically indicates that the next bottle will be my 100th. I feel like I should have a party or something. Or at least it should be a really super awesome nail polish that I've really wanted. This creates a huge dilemma. What should be my 100th nail polish?

These are the ingredients on today's shot at a new herbal supplement:

Sadistic Excitement

I just wrote a really fucked up scene for my big project I'm working on. And now I'm feeling very happy. After writing a scene in which the main character may or may not be killed by another of the characters who you may or may not like. Yay death! Or almost death. It's a mystery. Just like my IRS payment plan.

Taxes

Could I possibly fuck up my taxes more? Yes, apparently, I could. This was the first year I freelanced all year, so I didn't have an employer or anything like that. I'm an independent contractor. Apparently that also means I'm a business, which means I also pay small business taxes. Fuck. Missed that memo.

So I owe taxes because despite being dirt poor, I'm a dirt poor business, not a dirt poor person. Isn't that neat? I suppose you can legally refer to me as "that" now instead of "who." I know you're thrilled.

I'm the most responsible person ever. I'm so responsible I feel guilty for not being responsible for other people's responsibilities and for things out of my control. Yes, this is psychologically incorrect. So is your face. Anyway, as soon as I realized I owed a bunch of money and couldn't pay, I set up a responsible payment plan that I can afford and set it to automatically withdraw so I will never forget and anger the IRS. The first payment was supposed to come out on August 1.

Well, today is August 22. The payment hasn't come out. Not only was this the first payment, but it was also the setup fee. So that's a little important. I have the letter saying it's all set up, but I also don't want to default on the payment plan loan and get stuck having to pay it all at once. Because I can't do that, so I assume then the IRS would confiscate everything I own to pay my debt. And I really like that couch.

I went online to try to pay on the IRS website where I set up the payment plan. That thing is fucking confusing. I couldn't even figure out where to go if I had already set up the payment plan. When I finally figured that out, they kept asking me for a four-digit PIN. The only PIN I have is six digits. Awesome. But when I tried to request a PIN, the form wouldn't submit and instead just cleared all my info every time. Great. That left only one option: I had to call them. On the phone.

The IRS warned me of hold times in excess of 30 minutes, which is a neat way to begin your Monday morning. Know what's an even neater way? Having all your worldly possession confiscated. So I sat on hold. To be fair, it was more like 25 minutes. How exciting is that? Then Mr. Phillips, reference number 1000145689 or something like that, picked up, and we proceeded to chat about what the fuck happened to my payment. Apparently I should have received a letter that I didn't receive double-confirming the payment plan and doing some other stuff like giving me this PIN everyone keeps asking for that I don't have. Kickass. I love it when I don't have things because someone else screwed up and not because I lost them. That makes it totally not my fault.

I know a thing or two about how to fuck over someone's credit rating, which means I also knew I had another nine days before I'd default on my loan and cause all sorts of crazy shit or something. Probably the apocalypse. Or at least they'd take my couch. Whatever the case, I calmly made the payment, and it allegedly even came out of my account this time. I'm still not convinced that means it went into my IRS account, but there's absolutely no fucking way to check this. Isn't that cool? So it's like a mystery every month if they got your payment the month before. I love mysteries!

The moral of this story is this: if it can go wrong, it will go wrong for me. The other moral is this: don't fuck with me. Seriously. Because you might think you can pull that sneaky bullshit where I get fucked over, but guess what. You probably can't. Or maybe you can. I don't know. I guess it depends on the situation.

Jay-Z Reference About My 91 Nail Polishes

I have 91 bottles of nail polish. By the end of next week I will have at least 99. Yes, 99 different colors of nail polish. In case you'd forgotten, this is my (newly reorganized) stash:

I'm looking at this, and there's not a single color I feel like wearing right now.

I think my soul is tired.

More Frowning

"A kiss with a fist is better than none."

No, Florence + the Machine. It's not.

Bad Hair

The announcement on Facebook for tonight's Atlanta Braves promotion:


SHEAR THE BEARD: As we close our series against the Giants, we're giving fans FREE haircuts and beard trimming tonight at Turner Field...seriously! Offer valid for Tim Lincecum and Brian Wilson as well

My Kitties

I love Alice.

How cute is that? If you just look at it quickly, it almost looks like they're cuddling and she's not attacking his head. 

Say What Now?

These are the ingredients of my new herbal supplement:

So obviously I know exactly what I'm taking.

OMG This Still Exists

So back in the 1990s when Alicia Silverstone was, like, the coolest ever, she went on Letterman or something like that wearing a nail polish by a little company called Hard Candy. Of course, as soon as she said the name, demand skyrocketed. Everyone wanted Hard Candy nail polish, especially in Sky, the color Alicia was wearing on Letterman. I'm fairly certain demand exceeded production ability, which is why they kind of fell off the map. But for a little while there, Hard Candy was pretty much the coolest thing ever.

I didn't know all of that because I was, like, 13 or something, but look what I have, vintage 1996:

The Green Album

The Muppets are super trendy right now for some reason, and to celebrate/capitalize on this, someone or other is releasing The Green Album, a compilation of Muppet songs as sung by current artists. I love the Muppets, so of course I had to check this out. A review, you say? Why yes, I was indeed planning on such a thing! The album is on NPR First Listen, so you can go enjoy it yourself. Or "enjoy," possibly.

First up, "The Muppet Show Theme" by OK Go. OK Go is a band that is popular due to their impressive ability to perform choreographed dance routines on treadmills. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. That video is fucking awesome. This song is boring. I assume they're all high, which is fine and all, but I feel like they should probably sound like they care at least a little bit. Dude, it's the theme song. You're excited and shit. Oh, you're not? Next!

Get Off My Hands!

Things that don't come off my hands:

peppers

garlic

onions

ginger

soap

tomato plant

I can't even touch any of these things without my hands being stained with their smell for days afterward. It's extremely obnoxious.

More New Colors

Here are my three newest nail polishes. I was quite excited to find these brands at Sally Beauty, and they didn't disappoint. In fact, I'm fairly certain I may have inadvertently bought the top three colors on my Zoya Wishlist. Kickass. Anyway:

This is my foot. Last time you saw it, it was green. Oh, the memories. Today it's blue. The color is called Art of Theft by a company named Finger Paints. Their colors have mostly art-related names, which is okay with me. Some of them are lame, but I'm cool with the theme. This is a very dark blue with a purplish shimmer to it. This is not at all the color I was expecting from the bottle:

Bad Nail Polish Names

I hate nail polish names. They're so dumb. I'm sure these people think they're being clever, but they're not. It's just stupid most of the time. And if there's anything I love, it's making fun of stupidity. Today's offender is Essie. I actually have never tried Essie nail polish. It's at the top of my list of polishes I want to try, and they sell it at Target, so mostly I'm just being lazy by not buying one of their colors. However, with a name like this, maybe I don't want to support this company at all.

This polish is called Starter Wife. Yes, Starter Wife. Apparently this is a color you use for a couple of years until you get sick of it, and then you trade it in for a new, younger model.

Art Show!

My fiance's cousin is a really incredible artist. We went to a reception thingy for her the other night, which was super cool because the gallery she's showing at is this really neat little hippie place with a great vibe, and also I just have so much respect for people who do what they love and are successful at it. Also, she's really nice and a great artist, which kind of makes me want her to succeed even more. I like nice people. So it just makes me really happy.

This is the print we bought:

Yes, it's an orange cat. Nobody is surprised that we picked this one. We're kind of predictable. 

Check out more of her stuff at http://www.darkenart.com. It's really cool. 

Blue Fingers and Green Toes

More fun with nail polish! Have I mentioned my crippling nail polish obsession? It all started when I decided I didn't want to bite my nails anymore. Now I just like all the colors. I have a thing for bright colors. I also really enjoy doing strange things with my nail polish, like wearing many different colors at the same time. Today's adventure is greens and blues. 

These are my toes. I have monkey toes. Also, in this picture I have green toes. Currently I have normal-colored toes because I'm about to paint them again. But that's irrelevant for this post.

Do I Want To Be This Color?

This is a swatch of a Rescue Beauty Lounge nail polish from my favorite nail polish blog, Scrangie. I've never tried this particular brand of nail polish before, and at $18 they're over the limit of what I can justify spending on a bottle of nail polish. But the color is pretty.

I have a problem with nail polish names in general, which is another post altogether, but this one in particular bothers me. This color is called Bruised. Just thinking about that name makes me really sad. Why would I purposely want to be the color of a bruise? I've spent enough time in my life trying to cover up bruises that I just can't imagine wanting to be Bruised on purpose. You know? 

There are far more offensive nail polish names and far uglier colors, but this one just makes me sad. 

Alice

Here, for your consumption, are some pictures of Alice the foster kitty. Everything Alice does is super adorable. Chances are very good Alice will not be a foster kitty for very long.

Today's Nail Fun

I recently remembered we have a Sally Beauty Supply in town, which I decided to check out. Of course, they had some super awesome brands I've been wanting to try in some super awesome colors nobody should probably ever wear. Here are my first two.

On my left hand today is a color called Solar Flare by Nina Pro Ultra:

In case that doesn't totally demonstrate, here's the same color against my black pants:

It looks like I took a yellow highlighter and colored all over my nails. It's super awesome. It did take about eleventy coats to get to this level of opaqueness, though, which is annoying. The plus side was that they all dried super quick. The minus side was that since I took this picture this morning, two of the fingers have already chipped pretty badly. Oh well. I wasn't going to want neon yellow fingernails for very long anyway.

This color is neon melon or coral, not quite as orange as it looks here. It's called Flip Flop Fantasy by China Glaze. Wow is it bright. This one is a definite winner. It went on nicely, and it's a great color. I think I may have found my new second-favorite nail polish brand.

Also, I'm totally going to go broke from buying new and exciting nail polish colors.