Sorry for my brief absence. I got married. Also, I didn't really feel like blogging. Also, I'm fairly certain only about three people read this anyway, so you probably didn't even know I was gone. 

So anyway, I'm back, and I thought I'd post a picture of the cake topper from our wedding. My husband is Peewee Herman, I'm Anya from Buffy, and that's Beyonce, the giant metal chicken. 

I know you all were wondering what nail polish I eventually decided on because this is a super important detail. I didn't take pictures at the time, and then I forgot, so I can't really show you. This is the best I can do:

See how it matches my dress? Yeah, it's that color. It's OPI Pepe's Purple Passion with a top coat of Cult Nails Unicorn Puke. Because you can't have a wedding without unicorn puke.

How I Know It's Time To Take a Break

I'm working on an editing project for a Christian-based novella, and I recently found myself muttering, "Jesus fucking Christ." I'm fairly certain that's my cue to take a break from this project.

What Do Pigs Eat?

I used to do a lot of work with little kids. Oh my god are they funny. I worked with this absolutely brilliant 4-year-old named Laila who loved books, so every time I worked with her we read a new book. One day we read If You Give a Pig a Pancake (which is a sequel or something to If You Give a Mouse a Cookie). I asked Laila what she thought would happen if you gave a pig a pancake. Her response: "It'll die."

Backyard Wildlife

We get a lot of wildlife in our backyard because we back up to a farm field, and we're on a dead end street. It's a neighborhood, but we're the end of it, so there's not a lot of human interaction. So I'm totally used to opossums, squirrels, hawks, eagles, rabbits, rats, chipmunks, etc. The normal stuff. I was not expecting her:

Then she went over and ate at my neighbor's crab apple tree for about 20 minutes. Pretty awesome. I'm going to see if my fiance will let me have one as a pet.

Stupid Blue Jay

There is a blue jay who likes to sit on our deck and practice mimicking other birds. I'm serious. He does a Canadian goose, a seagull, a house finch, a cardinal, and probably some others that I'm forgetting right now. I'll be sitting at the table, minding my own business, and then all of a sudden, "The hell? Is there a seagull on our deck?" Nope. Just the blue jay.

I've been waiting for months for the red-bellied woodpecker to start coming to our feeders again. These are the coolest birds ever. I did another post on them one time, so I won't go into it too much. Basically, they're really big woodpeckers with Hayley Williams-colored heads. And they bark like little flying cocker spaniels. Super awesome.

Just a second ago, I heard a red-bellied woodpecker. Of course, I got all excited and happy for the return of Parry. This is the bird-related moment I've been waiting for since the spring! But when I looked out, I didn't see Parry on the deck.

Of course you know where this is going. That goddamn blue jay can mimic a red-bellied woodpecker. I love the blue jays, and it's really cool that this guy is so talented, but seriously, blue jay. Stop playing with my emotions like that.

Of Course it's Faux Fur!

So you have that faux fur-trimmed hood on your down jacket because it's cruelty to animals to wear fur?

In Case of Zombie Apocalypse...

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, which vehicle would you rather have: a big Hummer-type SUV thing, or a motorcycle?

Reasons My Parrot Screams

NPR is playing opera music.
NPR is playing Prairie Home Companion.
There's bad reception on his radio.
He has one soda box in his cage when he really wants the one that's on the floor next to his cage.
He has a soda box that was opened incorrectly so the opening is in the wrong place.
He's unable to get in his soda box because he flipped it so the opening is facing down.
He wants a pistachio.
He's just checking to see if I remember he's there.
He's practicing being a drill.
He's practicing being a hammer.
He's bored.
He's asleep and probably having a dream that he's screaming.
He thinks it's funny.

I'm sure I could just keep going with this for hours.