Sometimes the wackos at my job get to me, and I have to try their crazy shit. Today's adventure is about intuition. Basically the exercise goes like this: you really focus on a bad decision you've made in your life. It has to be something you thought was a good decision but turned out to be a bad decision. You try to think of the exact moment you made that decision, and you really focus on that. Then there is a series of questions this guy asks you about whatever images come to your mind. For example, he asks about the appearance of the scenes, the colors, whether you're part of the scenes or not, what it sounds like, if there's any taste, and what physical sensations you have. I think they're supposed to be what you're feeling right now, not necessarily what you felt when you made the decision.
Then you do the same thing with a time you made a really good decision that turned out to be a really good decision. You answer all the same questions. Ideally, someone else is doing this with you and writing down your answers, but you can write them yourself as you go. The important thing is not to analyze as you go. What you're seeing or feeling is just that. You're not looking for meaning.
Then you take your two sets of notes and compare. There should be some clear differences. They might not be big obvious ones, but it could be that when you think about your bad decision, your thoughts are in black and white versus in color for your good decision. It's stuff like that. The idea is that then any time you have a decision, you just think about how you feel. Then you compare that feeling and see if it matches up better with your notes on the bad decision or your notes on the good decision. For example, if when I think about my bad decision the images that come to mind are in black and white and for the good decision they're in color, then when I sit down to think about a current decision, I should immediately have my answer. Is the image that comes to mind colorful or not? If it is, it's a good decision. If not, it's a bad decision. Obviously, it's not going to always be color or something that simple, but that's the general idea.
Here's the problem I have with this. Every single decision I have made in my life has led me to where I am today. I can think of a lot of times I made decisions I may not make now, but the problem is that I'm absolutely confident that at that time in my life, they were the right decision.
The best example I can come up with is when I was in my previous relationship, which was absolute hell. Of course, I could have left any time. It was more complicated than that, but you know what I mean. There was one concrete time when I had the opportunity to leave to be with someone else. I chose to stay. This is my best example of a bad decision. I knew it was a bad decision at the time, and when I think about it I feel a slight twinge of regret. But really, it's just a slight feeling, and it dissipates quickly because even with this one, when I look back on it, I wouldn't change it. If I had left then, there's no way I would have met my fiance now. I wouldn't have three of my cats or my three birds. I wouldn't live in this fantastic house with this life I love. Let's face it. Despite the hell, I wouldn't change it for the world.
Of course I can think of good decisions. For example, actually leaving my ex was an incredibly fantastic decision. The problem is that when I think of other "bad" decisions I've made, I went into those with the exact same certitude that I was making the right decision. And while a lot of those turned out poorly and resulted in not-so-ideal situations, the end outcome leads me to believe that all my decisions have been good ones.
I don't mean this to be self-righteous. I'm royally fucked up. The emotional baggage is ridiculous, and the physical scars aren't much better. I have fucked up almost every single thing I've done in my life. I figure my sisters have a great role model to follow after because for everything I've done, they can just do the opposite. And if they fuck up, so what? I already did it, and probably worse.
But the bottom line is that if I hadn't fucked everything up as well as I did, I wouldn't be here now. And any way I look at it, here now is the only place I want to be.
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